The Wonderland Theatre Company
by Indiahenna
Summary: What do you get when a pair of bored Twins and their favorite foreigner decide to put on a play? And oh, include the rest of the Role Holders as well?
1. Chapter 1

Hello! Please enjoy the fiasco with me as Wonderland puts on a play. This is my first published fic to the site. Please keep criticism constructive. Thank you!

Disclaimer: Heart no Kuni no Alice is property of QuinRose.

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Ch. 1: Boredom Yields Creativity

A very bored set of Twins were ignoring guard duty as normal, instead sitting inside the Hatter Mansion, twiddling their thumbs, as it were, trying to think of something to do. They had tortured all the servants at least twice, the Amusement Park got old after a while and Boss and Newbie-hare were no fun at all.

_Lightbulb! _

"Let's visit onee-san!"

Not bothering to tell their employer that they'd left they ran to the Clock Tower.

Upon bursting through the door they saw Alice and immediately glomped her.

"Onee-san, play with us!"

Alice, resigned to their usual antics, say, "Well, what do you want to do?"

"We don't know, so one-san can think of something!"

Alice, surprised, managed to wrest herself from their grasp and sit down to ponder 'what to do'. Julius sat in his usual place, anger vein visible, and he said, "Would you kindly be noisy someplace else?"

They moved the party to Alice's room and Alice started listing off ideas, all of which were summarily rejected on the spot.

"How about we put on a play?" she said, still spouting ideas as they came.

"A play?" the twins said.

Alice sat up, glad that one her ideas had made it past the brainstorming process. "Yeah, something everyone will know, like Shakespeare."

"_Romeo and Juliet_!" the pair squealed. "Onee-san will be Juliet—" Dee said.

"—Of course," Dum interjected, "but who will be Romeo?"

Silence fell.

"It can't be Clock Man. Too stuffy."

"Can't be Boss. Too flirty."

"Or Newbie-hare."

"On general principle."

"Stalker-rabbit—"

"—Hell no," Dee and Alice said together.

"What about us?"

"There can't be two Romeo's," Alice reminded them. The twins looked at each other and said together, "It'll be me."

Together: "No, me!"

"You're too stupid to play Romeo!"

"No I'm not!" And it went on like this until axes were drawn and Alice had to separate them.

"Alright, not _Romeo and Juliet_ then," Alice said.

"Then what?"

Alice pondered quietly for a moment and then, _Lightbulb!_

"_Hamlet_. Let's do _Hamlet_."

The twins looked between each other, unsure. "What's that about?"

"Well…" Alice shuffled through her memories, trying to sum up the play. "Well, there's murder and betrayal and incest and sword fights—"

"LET'S DO IT!"

And so began the project and pain of producing Wonderland's first play.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for those who have reviewed! Chapter has been revised! So without further ado, I give you [edited] chapter two.

Disclaimers: HnKnA is the property of QuinRose. Shakespeare's Hamlet is the property of Will himself and whoever holds the rights today.

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**Ch. 2: Planning**

After it was decided that they would produce _Hamlet_ Alice realized that they would need a much larger cast. She walked out of her room and into the workroom where Julius sat, as usual, tinkering away with the clocks. Ignoring the impulse to sit and watch him work she went to a drawer and pulled out a sheet of paper and a pencil, then went to sit at the work bench besides Julius.

She wrote at the top of the page: "Character/Cast" and began to try and remember all the names of the characters in the play. Of course, there was Hamlet and his evil uncle Claudius, and Ophelia, her brother Laertes…

"Hey Julius?"

Without looking up from his work he said shortly, "Yes?"

"Do you know _Hamlet_?"

He looked up, confused, a small frowns on his face. "The play?" Alice nodded. "I do. Why?"

"Dee and Dum and I are thinking about putting on a play and we're doing _Hamlet_. But I can't quite remember all the characters' names."

Julius, on the other hand, did remember and soon Alice had a list. _Now to decide the cast_, she thought.

"Hey, Julius?"

Again, not looking up from his work he replied, "What is it, Alice?"

"How does one put together a play?"

His hands stopped working and he looked down at her, peering like a 30-year-old virgin librarian over his glasses at her. "Are you serious?" When Alice shoes not to respond he sighed and removed his glasses. "Well, you need to hold tryouts to see who's interested in participating and see how well they can act. From there you decide on the roles and begin rehearsing."

Alice pondered on that for some time. "Wouldn't it be easier to just tell people what role to play?"

"I suppose it would. But parts are usually decided based on how a person presents themselves in another person's shoes. Say if someone gave a really funny performance; you wouldn't want that person to play a serious role if humor was their strong point."

"Hmm. Somehow…never mind." She sat, thinking for a while, and so Julius put his glasses on and went back to work.

"Okay. Thanks." She got the twins together and they went around telling friends in each of the territories about the play, even going so far as to put up a couple of handmade posters, with the time and requirements for auditions, which were set a week away to give people time to prepare. All in all, Alice felt pretty good about the play's prospects.

_A week and a day later_:

"Hey Julius?" Alice groaned out tiredly from the doorway.

Julius sighed and looked up from his work over to Alice, who had dark circles under her eyes, hair messed up and sticking out in all the wrong place, looking clearly harassed and thoroughly exhausted. He just stared, unsure what to do.

"How do you make 13 people who hate each other put on a play?"

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This is much shorter than the original chapter, I know, but the old material is still in use; it'll just be added to a new chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

I recall saying that I would add auditions if I ever worked out how they would go, and I have something on the page finally. Here you go. Other chapters have been edited for the changes, but the difference isn't too great. Standard disclaimer applies.

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**Ch. 3 Tryouts**

_Flashback to the day of tryouts_:

Alice had convinced the residents of Clover Tower to lend her two rooms for the day of tryouts and it was in the audition room where Alice now sat, staring at the list of people trying out. She was surprised to see every single Role Holder's name on the list, even Julius, the workaholic.

There was a microphone connected to the room where the participants waited, and Alice spoke into it now. "Will Participant #1 come to the stage?"

In stepped Julius, who strode up on stage quickly and calmly, and began to recite: "To be or not to be…" and finished reciting Hamlet's most famous soliloquy. Alice had a small smile on her face as she said, "Thank you. I'll let you know the results tomorrow."

He got off the stage and left immediately to work on his clocks.

"Participant #2." Out came Gowland, who bounded noisily on the stage and immediately whipped out a too-small violin.

"I prepared a small piece just for this," he announced, and before Alice could ever open her mouth to stop him, the murder of a thousand kittens and 13 eardrums began.

Alice screamed at Gowland to stop, and when he finally did she exclaimed, "Thank you! That will be enough! We'll let you know!"

"But I'm not done yet."

"And while the suspense will kill me, I really have to get to everyone else by the end of the day." She waved at him and, slightly dejected, Gowland left the room.

"Participant #3," she spoke into the microphone, messaging her temple.

"And 4!" came two voices from the door, and Dee and Dum stepped onto the stage, both in black and arm in arm. If it wasn't for the eye colors Alice could not have distinguished them.

"You ready, onee-san?"

"Whenever you are."

The twins shared a twisted grin. Alice immediately got nervous.

"Are you _really_ ready?"

"…Ye…s…?"

"Alright," Dee muttered. "In 3…2…1…"

The door burst open and in stormed a very displeased Elliot March, hair everywhere, ears twitching in fury, wearing, of all things, a pink fluffy bunny suit.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU LITTLE MONSTERS!"

"Oi, brother! Let us observe the wild and rare 6-foot RABBIT in an unnatural environment."

"Why, you—!" Elliot turned his back on Alice and she saw a hood with two fluffy pink ears peaking out at the top, and burst out laughing.

Dum and Dee leapt of the stage, poor Australian accents commenting, "It seems we have angered the beast! Now, let us observe its defensive methods—" they ducked down as two shots rang out above their heads.

"Hey! Elliot, don't kill them! It was only a joke!"

"Alice?" Elliot said, turning beet red when he finally noticed she was there.

"The pink monstrosity has spotted a potential mate! We may have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to observe it in 'pervert mode'."

The twins stopped and looked at each other a moment. "Get away from onee-san, pervert rabbit!"

"For the last time, you brats, I AM NOT A RABBIT!"

"Really?" Dum said, smiling evilly.

"Cause ya coulda fooled us," Dee replied, his smile a perfect copy of his brother's.

The door clicked and swung open, and in stepped Blood, who stopped and took in the scene before him. His eyes stopped on Elliot.

"Nice costume. Though I can't say that pink is your color."

Elliot turned a more violent shade of purple and pointed angrily at the twins. "THEY did this to me!"

"I surmised as much," Blood said coolly. He saw Alice and said, "Ah, hello. I'm sorry to say that we will be leaving now. Just pick us a role, if you won't mind." Blood smiled, grabbed the twins by the ears and pulled them away, Elliot following behind, fuming.

Alice stared at nothing for some time before remembering why she was there. She looked down at her list and crossed off the twins, Elliot and Blood's names.

"Um…#7?"

Boris came in the door and immediately noticed the bullet holes in the wall. "Well, I was wondering what the hare was going to do." He bounded up on the stage and stood there.

"Do I just start?"

"Pretty much." Alice was out of shock and back to normal.

"Yo! Pierce, get in here!"

_When did Boris get a Brooklyn accent?_

The door opened and Pierce timidly walked in, cheese crumbles on the side of his face. He looked terrified as he stepped up on stage. Boris, however, grinned rather widely and put an arm around Pierce as he entered center stage. Pierce squeaked in terror.

A very bad feeling began to creep into Alice's heart.

"Say, Mousy."

"Y-y-y-y-yes?" squeaked poor Pierce.

"Why are German politicians so thin?"

"…I don't know."

"Because when they go to work, they go on a Diet!"

"Um…ha ha?"

Boris began to pull on Pierce's ears. "What was that? Did you not enjoy my fabulous joke?"

Pierce laughed rather pathetically, sounding more like he was in pain than in merriment.

"Okay! I think we're good. Thank you," Alice said, and Boris chased Pierce out of the room.

Alice rubbed her temples and called the next tryout to the stage. In walked Vivaldi, who recited a brief and slightly gruesome poem from memory before walking out. So far it was only the second audition to go remotely well.

Next up was Peter, who was holding a sheet of paper in his hands as he walked up to the stage and had a wilting flower sticking out of his jacket pocket.

Clearing his throat a few times, he smiled at Alice before reading from the paper.

**"Roses are red.**

**Violets are blue.**

**To my dearest Alice,**

**How I love you.**

**Your eyes teal blue,**

**Your hair silk brown,**

**I miss you a lot**

**When you're not around."**

Peter was about to go on when the exit door burst open and Ace announced jovially, "I'm here!"

Peter and Alice stared, dumbfounded at Ace, whose smile never wavered as he looked around. "Huh? Where is everyone?"

"The waiting room is through that door," Peter said sharply. "Now, if you could leave, I need to finish my audition before I kill you." He cleared his throat to begin again.

"No can do, the Bitch of Hearts wants to see you."

"The Queen can wait."

Ace walked up and grabbed Peter's arm, smile widening slightly. "Sorry. She's not waiting. Besides, and I'm no expert, of course, but your prose could use a little work." He looked over and waved at Alice. "Bye! Just pick me a cool role, k?" and he dragged a sputtering, angry Prime Minister through the door to the audition room.

Alice called in the next person, not even trying to process what had just happened. In walked Grey.

"Before I begin…"

"What?"

"Boss told me to let you know that he's not coming and is not feeling well, but would still like to participate."

Alice sighed. "One of these days I'm going to make good on my threat to send that demon to a hospital."

Grey smiled slightly at that. "I'd like to see that."

Grey was, of course, fully and properly prepared and gave a short monologue that left a little smile on Alice's face.

After his audition Grey was kind enough to help Alice put away the chairs and break down the audition space.

"I'll get the trash if you can take care of the papers," Alice offered, and Grey left. Alice took the small bag and went downstairs to the base of Clover Tower, to be met with a very interesting and distressing sight.

Boris, Gowland, Pierce, Ace and Peter were standing on the lawn in front of the Tower, yelling and screaming at each other, guns out and bullets flying. Amazingly no one was hurt yet.

"What in the name of sense are you guys doing?" Alice cried out, and all turned to see her standing there with the bag of trash, staring.

"Alice, let me help you with that!" came five simultaneous voices and a mad scramble to reach Alice first. This resulted in a dog-pile with Alice on bottom, struggling to breath and wriggle her way of this mess.

"Hey, watch where you're touching!"

"EXCUSE ME!"

"That's not my gun."

"_Squeak_!"

"My violins!"

Alice screamed at all of them to leave, and reluctantly they parted their separate ways, leaving Alice to walk upstairs and ask Julius the question:

"How do I get 13 people who hate each other to put on a play?"

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RIP Steve Irwin. Apologies to any German readers, it's not meant to offend anyone (though I'm not sure how it would). A purposefully bad joke is a purposefully bad joke.


	4. Chapter 4

Here's chapter 4, which is really the old chapter 3 with some revision from the audition. If you were reading before the changes, the cast has remained the same. Sorry if I let anyone down. Standard disclaimers, naturally.

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**Ch. 4 Results**

The next day, fully recovered, Alice made the announcement that the roles had been assigned and that everyone was to gather to hear the results. All the Role Holders came that evening to the Clover Tower.

"So, Alice, what is _Hamlet_ about?"

_You would think that they would have found this out before tryouts…_

She cleared her throat, waiting for everyone to get silent so she wouldn't have to explain twice. "It's one of Shakespeare's tragedies. It's about Hamlet, the Prince of Denmark, whose father dies suddenly. Hamlet's not old enough to take the throne so it passes to his uncle Claudius, who then goes on to marry his sister-in-law, Hamlet's mother. Hamlet is visited by his father's ghost, who tells him he was murdered by his own brother, Claudius, and so Hamlet swears to avenge his father's death by killing his uncle."

The small crowd of Role Holders looked at her blankly for some moments, crickets chirping in the afternoon's warmth.

"He marries his sister-in-law?"

"Isn't that…you know…incest?"

Alice thought about it. "I think so?" More questions ensued and Alice went on to explain more about the play, finally clearing up the confusion.

"So who's playing what role?"

Alice pulled out her crumpled cast list and began to read.

"Hamlet will be played by Julius."

The twins cried out, "Why him?" but Alice ignored their protests and continued, "Claudius will be played by Blood."

"Somehow that seems awfully appropriate," someone muttered in the crowd. Blood gave a rather cold look in the direction of the muttering.

"Gertrude, Hamlet's mother, will be played by Vivaldi."

"A Queen should only play a Queen, after all," Vivaldi said proudly, beaming at Alice. "We approve."

Alice smiled back and thanked her before going on. "Ophelia will be played by me." There seemed to be a general approval of this choice, but then Alice had (conveniently) forgotten to mention Ophelia's suicide later in the story.

"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Hamlet's friends, will be played by Dee and Dum."

The twins high-fived. "Sweet, we die at the end!"

"Laertes, Ophelia's brother, will be played by Ace. Polonius, Laertes and Ophelia's father, will be played by Elliot. Boris will play Horatio, Hamlet's best friend. The Ghost of Hamlet's father will be played by Nightmare. Gowland will be the Player and other roles; Gray will play Fortinbras and other roles, and Pierce can play one liners. We can get some of the workers from different areas to play small roles, like lords and ladies and people without lines."

"Who am I, my dear Alice?" Peter asked lovingly.

"Cheering section."

"That doesn't sound like an important role."

Alice sighed, annoyed to have to explain. "You're not in the play, Peter."

His ears drooped sadly and he said quietly, "What I have done to make you hate me so?"

_That god-awful poem didn't help your chances much..._

"I noticed I'm also missing from the cast list," came a sinister voice from the back of the crowd. Alice cringed as she saw Joker come forward, arms crossed, amused and wicked smile on his face.

Alice visibly gulped. She'd conveniently forgotten Joker in the hustle and bustle of preparing for the play. He hadn't even shown up at the auditions, and had thought that meant he wasn't interested anyway. Turns out, she was wrong.

"Um…"

"I know. You don't have a director, do you?" The ring master's fingers drifted to the whip that was curled up at his waist, as if to say 'I'm already perfect for the role'.

Alice hesitantly shook her head.

"Perfect. Then I will direct."

Alice cringed inside. "That…okay," she agreed in a very small voice.

"So, when's our first practice?" the director said, smiling cruelly in the little foreigner's direction.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: HnKnA is the property of QuinRose. This is probably for the best.

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**Ch. 5 Read-throughs and Rewrites**

"Boss, couldn't you help out at least once?"

"Grey, just stop. It's impossible."

Alice sat in with the workers amongst the chaos that was the Clock Tower's work room, and she was writing out the last of the many scripts for _Hamlet_.

"You know, I thought that maybe, just maybe, the lazy caterpillar over here would be kind and thoughtful and _do his job_. I suppose that was expecting too much."

Grey looked up only momentarily from his work but chose not to say anything, instead allowing the little foreigner to vent. She had ink smudges on her face, her hair was messy and her clothes disheveled. It wasn't the first time she had gone head-to-head with the office machinery. Currently the standing was Copier: 3, Alice: 0. And today was another resounding victory to the Copier Club, if her appearance and generally poor mood were any indication. Grey sighed, stopped working (gasp!) and placed a fatherly hand on her shoulder.

"Are you sure you don't need to take a break?" he said to Alice. "I can pick up where you left off."

"No," she said, shaking her head quickly. "I can do it, you have more than enough work to do. It's just...gosh, I feel like everyone is expecting me to have all this together and worked out already. The twins are no help-"

"-I'm not surprised."

"And Joker, that...creepy...anyway, he's hopeless too."

"Again, not a surprise."

Alice placed her head in her hands and sighed heavily. "This is a hell of a lot more work than I originally thought."

_-The day before._

One thing Alice hadn't remembered to consider was the Role Holders' acting abilities. Or lack there-of.

Their first reading bombed marvelously. Nearly everyone (with the exceptions of Blood, Julius, and herself) had difficulty with the language. It seemed no one really understood 16th century English.

Shocker.

Another thing was nearly everyone's complete inability to get into character. Julius nailed Hamlet's general moodiness, but Blood was a very seductive Claudius and Vivaldi a very bold Gertrude (which was odd, considering how few lines she had, and how un-sexy Claudius was). Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were actually perfect, and the twins seemed to enjoy playing the fool.

"But I don't get why he couldn't just go outright and say, 'My sonovabitch brother killed me and stole my whore wife'," Nightmare argued, after the read-through of the first act. Alice tried to calmly explain it to him.

"He's a ghost; he's not really allowed to talk so…directly." _And I don't think they would have…approached it quite like that back in the day._

"Why?"

"I don't know. That's how it was written."

"Well that's stupid. I demand a reprint."

"But that would take work, boss," Gray reminded Nightmare, who scowled sourly.

"I don't care. And what the hell is with Ophelia? Why does she kill herself again?"

"Because she feels rejected by Hamlet and is depressed by her father's death." Alice felt like she'd explained this bit of plot line far too many times that day.

"What a stupid bitch," Black Joker replied from the mask.

"She _is_ stupid," White Joker agreed. Alice glared angrily at him (them? him?) before sighing and saying, "Any other issues?"

"Yeah. Why doesn't Ophelia just suck it up and dump Hamlet?" Boris said, playing with one of his piercings. Pierce nodded energetically, earning him a claw in the ear. Ten minutes of calming his tears followed.

"Because if she didn't kill herself," Alice explained…_again_, "Laertes wouldn't have a reason to fight Hamlet in the final scene."

"I thought he was fighting him caused he killed his father?"

"What?"

"Hamlet kills Polonius, right? That's reason enough, why drag Ophelia into it? Did Shakespeare just hate women or something?"

Alice sighed again, trying to calm herself. "That's not the point."

"I agree," Dee and Dum cried out. "Ophelia doesn't need to die."

_Why do I get the feeling this has nothing to do with the play?_

"That's just how it was written."

Vivaldi looked around before saying, "As much as we dislike it, we are in agreement with the peons. Ophelia is much too cute to die. We say that it be written so that she doesn't die."

"But that means rewriting the end of the fourth act. And the fifth act altogether."

"That's fine," Blood said. "I have a few ideas on how to spice up the fight scene…"

Alice sighed. There was no reasoning with these people. "Well then who's going to do it?"

"The Clock Tower, of course. All the smart people work there," Dee and Dum replied, chopping their shared script to smithereens with their newest treasure, a pair of steel scissors strong enough to snap bone.

Alice and Gray glanced over at Nightmare, who was asleep with him arms folded over the top of the script. When awoken and told about the rewrite he simply said, "Too much work, I'll need a break," and fell promptly back to sleep.

_But he wanted a rewrite too…_

Alice sighed. Quite suddenly Joker spoke up. "Why so serious, Alice? This is supposed to be fun." A low, ominous chuckle could be heard from the mask at the ringmaster's waist.

"You're not helping either," she snapped. "Aren't you our self-appointed director? Don't you want to get started on, ya know, _directing_?"

"This is actually more enjoyable."

Alice rubbed her temples, trying to work away the building migraine. "Okay. Fine. The guys at the Tower and I will work on rewriting the script. Until then, please read the actual play, so that you can at least have an idea on how to act your part."

_-Present._

"Hey Julius?"

"What is it?" he said, not looking up from his work. Alice had returned to Julius' end of the Clock Tower after finishing with the rewrites and was now hauling in copies of the script.

"Help me with this? Please?"

Julius put down his work (gasp!) and helped Alice carry in the armloads of paper. After the arduous task was done, Julius returned to his work, putting on the spectacles and picking up a small wrench.

"Do you need anything?" Alice said.

"Just peace and quiet."

"...Right." Alice got ready for bed and when she came back she saw Julius was exactly where she'd left him. After so much time spent living under the same roof as him, this really shouldn't have come to much of a surprise.

"So what did you do today?"

Julius stopped and raised an eyebrow at her. "I fixed clocks."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Did you do anything else?"

"I drank average-grade coffee."

"Hey! You told me I was doing better lately."

"Better. Not great."

Alice pouted for a minute. "Ungrateful, selfish..." she muttered.

"I heard that." Julius continued working in silence for some time before he said, putting down the timepiece he was working on, "What's bothering you?"

But when no answer came Julius turned and saw that Alice had fallen asleep right at the bench, her head cradled in her arms. A small smile (gasp!) graced his lips and he lifted her gently and took her to her room, tucking her in bed before returning to his work room and mounting pile of clocks.

He glanced over at the pile of scripts that sat on the floor and curiosity finally nabbed him. Picking up the first one in the pile, he began to read.

* * *

Sorry for the late update, but I'm stuck in perpetual writer's block. Probably because my brain knows school is coming and that means all the creative energy from the summer is winding down. Updates are probably going to be even slower now because of Back-to-School, and I apologize. This wasn't meant to be particularly long in the first place; maybe 7 chapters? I'll try my best.


	6. Chapter 6

Usual disclaimers apply. Please enjoy!

* * *

**Ch. 6 Wardrobe Malfunction**

The cast of the play ended up liking the rewrites for the most part, and only took major issue with the fact that Alice had refused to write away Ophelia's suicide. But Alice had heard enough of it and refused to change her mind. So, reluctantly, the Role Holders went along with it.

As far as Alice knew, anyway.

It was a week before the play was to debut when Joker's staff announced that they needed to measure everyone for costumes.

Alice had convinced the schizophrenic "director" to contribute something to the project besides torturing the actors; Gowland's staff was busy building the stage and props, Blood and the Queen were providing workers as stage hands and extras, and Clover Tower had already contributed with the script rewrites. Joker agreed after much nagging. Now, returning to the present…

"Master Dupre, it's your turn."

Blood walked into the changing room to be measured while the rest of the case waited outside. They watched Gowland's staff scrambling around with tools and wooden boards, the noisy cacophony of nails being hammered in, boards sawed apart and orders given filled the air. The smell of turpentine and paint and glue filled the air. There were occasional spurts of laughter and justified outrage as Boris and the twins went around the building area, disrupting as much of the process as they could get away with.

For once, Alice left them alone. Because they didn't have many lines the twins and Boris were bored during rehearsals. A little entertainment, as long as no one was killed or maimed or paralyzed for life, was fine. (Plus, after weeks of trying to keep them all in order, Alice was too exhausted to care.)

The door to the changing room opened and Blood exited. "Alice-sama, if you would."

Alice walked in and shut the door behind her. The two faceless women looked oddly flustered at the moment. Alice decided that she didn't want to know.

"Please strip to your underwear."

Alice did so, and the workers began to measure her. The room was quiet as the women measured, only talking to ask Alice to lift her arms or move her hair out of the way.

"You may get dressed. We're finished."

After Alice had replaced her dress she opened the door and four Role Holders collapsed at her feet.

"What are you doing?" Alice asked dryly, staring down at Boris, Dee, Dum and Elliot, who looked guiltily up at Alice as they scrambled to their feet.

"Nothing," Elliot said quickly, flushing red.

All signs of guilt gone: "I don't know what pervert-hare was doing," Dee said.

"But we were only leaning against the door," Dum finished.

"Me too," Boris added.

"It was you guys' idea to—" Elliot began.

"To what, pervert-hare?"

"Yeah, pink Harvey*, to what?"

The twins were grinning maliciously at Elliot, who was sputtering from the lack of a response.

"Master Airay, come get measured," said one of the workers. Boris went in and a moment later cried out, "You want me to WHAT?"

The door was slightly cracked open.

"Strip, sir."

"But…" Boris lowered his voice. "I'm…not…"

"What is the problem?" the terse voice of one of the women said.

"Um…"

"If it's a problem of undergarments, rest assured. We've seen our fair share of those today."

"Oh."

Alice was blushing badly, while Elliot and the twins were on the verge of bursting with laughter. None of them moved.

A few moments later: "Whoa! What are you doing?"

"Measuring your inseam, sir."

"Do you have to put your hands so close to…" Boris' voice died.

"It's not our fault you're not wearing any underwear."

That's when the mafia members lost it. Boris heard and ran out of the room, yelling, "You guys!" and forgetting his current state of dress.

Alice snapped her head around and Boris yowled in shock, grabbing the first article of clothing he could get his hands on—the fluffy pink-purple boa.

"Boris Airay, what are you doing?" Julius said coldly; he'd seen the entire scene, and was standing beside a stone-still Alice, protectively placing a hand on her shoulder.

"It's not what it—"

"Kitty-cat, what disgusting things are you trying to do to my Alice?"

Boris was now facing an angry mob of Role Holders, namely Peter, whose gun was already out; Julius, who'd yet to draw his weapon but was staring daggers at Boris; and Blood, whose amused smile and deadly leer only made him look more dangerous.

"It's really not what it looks like," Boris pleaded.

"I suggest you put your clothes on," Julius ordered evenly, his voice ice. Boris escaped to the changing room.

"Alice, are you alright?"

She nodded, her face still red.

The measuring finished quickly after that and Boris apologized to Alice in front of all the Role Holders before they all headed home.

"Peter, what are you still doing here?"

The white rabbit's ears drooped and he replied, "Watching you rehearse."

"Rehearsal's over. Shouldn't you be somewhere else?"

"I already finished my work for the day. What's wrong with wanting to see my Alice on stage?"

"That's what opening night is for."

Peter wasn't letting go that easily. "Can't I do something to help out?" It was an oft-uttered question.

Alice sighed, resigned to getting rid of him, for the night at least. "I suppose you could put together some promotional posters or something. Or buy ticket rolls. We still haven't got those."

Peter nodded, slightly more enthusiastic. "I'll start tomorrow. Want me to walk you home?"

Alice pointed to the entrance to Clover Tower, not twenty feet away. "It's right there. I'll be fine. See you, Peter."

Peter stared at her retreating back as she walked into the Tower. Dejectedly he made his way back to the Castle.

* * *

*- In case you didn't get it: a reference to Harvey, the six-foot-tall invisible rabbit from the old James Stewart film, _Harvey_. Haven't seen it in a few years, but it's a cute little film. Google it.

Writing this has been unexpectedly fun, and I've enjoyed everyone's response so far. Thanks for the support.


	7. Chapter 7

Countdown to the finale! This is the first of the last four chapters! I apologize firstly to anyone who thinks this story is a bit rushed, and thank everyone who has been reading.

As usual, QuinRose is the owner of Heart. I do not have the money or the legal know-how to gain the rights. This is probably best.

* * *

**Ch. 7 Opening Night [Backstage Stories]**

It was finally opening night. After weeks of preparation and exasperation, the debut of the Wonderland Theatre Company's first production, _Hamlet_, was set to go.

…In 30 minutes.

"Master Airay, we've been through this. You _cannot_ take the boa on stage with you."

"Then how will the audience know that it's me?"

"They aren't supposed to. You're supposed to convince them that you are Horatio, not Boris."

"I still think it's ridiculous that I can't wear the boa. It's like a part of me."

"I still think the cat ears are a dead giveaway."

"But if we don't match, people might be able to tell us apart."

"Yes, boys, that's the point."

"No fair!"

"It's fun to keep 'em guessing!"

"Do _not_ struggle, Masters Tweedle and Tweedle! And get on your damn costumes!"

"Don't curse at us! We are innocent children with virgin ears!"

"Innocent children don't understand what having 'virgin ears' means. So quit dawdling and get changed."

"Are you certain you don't need another violinist?"

The conductor to the pit orchestra shook his head firmly 'no.' "We have all the parts covered, and you already have a job to do on stage."

Gowland whipped out a double bass.

"Can't do harm with more bass," he said with a radiant smile.

"Mr. Gowland, please return backstage."

Alice wandered toward the changing area, only to be blocked by a mob of faceless female workers, some stage crew and others extras, oohing and ahhing at something. Alice jumped in the air and caught a brief glimpse of Julius and Blood beyond the crowd.

"Excuse me," Alice said, pushing her way through the crowd. She'd already changed into her costume and needed to get a few last minute touches on makeup and last moment repairs on props.

She stopped short of Blood and Julius, on the edge of the crowd, and realized why there was a gaggle of giggling women in the changing area.

They looked _good_.

Blood had brushed in streaks of gray powder into his hair to show his character Claudius' age, but it made him seem more distinguished. His costume, black with accents of gold and royal purple, was well-cut and flattering.

Julius also wore black and had all his hair pulled back. Gone were the usual clock accessories; instead he only wore a crucifix around his neck and no other adornment at all. The simplicity of the costume made him look slightly mysterious. It was also well-made and flattering.

For a moment Alice stared, her face warm, too proud to admit her admiration for their looks. Turning to the women she said, "All the fangirls need to return to their places. We start in fifteen minutes!"

Grumbling ensued, Alice catching a few snide comments like "selfish", "keeping the good ones for herself" and some, less flattering names. Nonetheless, back to work they went.

"You came. On time, amazingly."

"Would you expect any less from a performer of my status?"

"We would."

Joker and Vivaldi stood in a dark corner of the stage, Vivaldi already in costume, Joker holding a small headset in his hands and a clipboard with stage instructions and entry cues. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bag and handed it to Vivaldi.

"We assume everything is prepared as planned?"

"I held up my end of the deal, now it's you and the other dimwits' turn."

Vivaldi pocketed the small bag and glared at Joker. "When this is over you'd better relocate your little freak show elsewhere or we will-"

Joker had already turned and began to walk away, but in his dramatic contempt had overlooked the pile of coiled rope and sandbags, and tripped magnificently into the curtain, falling off the stage and landing with his butt in the air. The audience had begun to laugh at his antics, but upon being threatened to be flayed alive til nothing was left, abruptly stopped. Vivaldi suppressed a small giggle as she walked backstage.

"Wow! Look at the size of that crowd!" Dee said, he and his brother peeking through the curtain. "Must be over 500 people!"

Elliot and Ace peeked through. Elliot paled slightly and muttered, "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

"You're not getting cold feet, are ya?" Dee asked.

"My feet are very warm," Elliot replied, not immediately understanding. When he turned back to the crowd Dee and Dum ran off and returned with a bucket of ice. Tapping Elliot on the shoulder, they announced to the hare, "Ice for your cold feet!"

Finally understanding: "You little brats!"

The twins scampered off, laughing their heads off.

"Everyone is here, correct?"

"Yessir!"

"Good. And where is Alice?"

"Checking on the lighting."

"Perfect."

All the Role Holders (Peter too) were standing, cramped in a closet, nearly nose-to-nose with each other in the small space. Oddly enough, it was Ace who was leading the meeting along.

"Gentlemen—" the Queen cleared her throat loudly, "—and her Majesty, we are all here tonight because we have a very important task to complete during this play. First off, it must go well, for everyone's sake and pride, but especially for Alice."

Much nodding.

"And secondly, we must ensure that the ending goes as planned."

"Right!"

"Does everyone know the plan?"

Much nodding of heads.

"Are you ready to go out there and wow our crowd?"

Much nodding of heads.

The door to the closet opened and Alice stood outside the door, staring for a moment until frowning in frustration and saying, "What are you all doing in here?" Seeing the white rabbit she made an annoyed, get-out-of-here face. "Peter, the hell?"

"Sorry, I'm leaving." Peter left.

"We go on in five minutes! You, Joker-what happened to your face?-never mind, go announce the play to the crowd!"

Joker pushed his way out as everyone else scrambled out of the tiny space, straightening out their costumes and smoothing away wrinkles in the fabric.

"Everyone ready?" Alice said cheerfully, clearly excited to finally put the show on.

The twins went up and hugged their big sister and replied, "Any time!"

"Oh, and guys, remember." Everyone leaned in as Alice stared seriously at all of them.

"In the final act, you can't actually try to kill each other. Got it?"

* * *

Virtual cookies for all my readers! I would give you real ones, but they still haven't perfected molecular deconstruction and reconstruction through new media (damn you Willy Wonka for not being real!) So yes, this was funnier in my mind. Then again, so are a lot of things. I realize also that Joker is a bit out of character (aren't they all) but his involvement should increase, as well as Peter's.


	8. Chapter 8

_Reminder on the Roles_:

**Hamlet**—Julius ; **Claudius**—Blood ; **Ophelia**—Alice ; **Horatio**—Boris ; **Laertes**—Ace ; **Polonius**—Elliot ; **Rosencrantz and Guildenstern**—Twins ; **Gertrude**—Vivaldi ;

**Player**—Gowland ; **Ghost**—Nightmare ; **Fortinbras**—Gray ; **Other**—Pierce and Faceless ; **Cheering Section/?**—Peter

* * *

**Ch. 8 Act 1, Part 1**

The lights on the audience lowered and the hubbub and idle chatter puttered down to nothing. A spotlight clicked on, revealing the ringmaster in full regalia, hands behind his back, legs together, and grinning rather malevolently at the crowd.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the premiere and only performance of the Wonderland Theatre Company's rendition of Shakespeare's Hamlet. We kindly ask that all firearms are put on safety, swords and other knife-like weapons placed into their proper containers and to leave all explosives, incendiary devices and anything else resembling a weapon at the front gate. If you have crying children, please take them outside during the performance. Otherwise do not get up during the performance. Snacks and other concessions will be sold during intermission. Failure to comply with the following will land the perpetrator a week in my lovely counterpart's prison, so we ask that we all be on our best behavior."

Joker paused a moment, letting the loosely-veiled threat sink in before continuing in an uncharacteristically cheery voice, "We hope you will enjoy the show!"

Light, awkward applause followed Joker as he left the stage. He ran into Alice immediately as he exited stage left and shrugged dismissively as she glared at him, arms crossed, foot tapping.

"What? I delivered all the main points that we covered. You didn't say I couldn't have fun with it when I did."

Alice sighed and watched him go past, somewhat glad the ringmaster hadn't lingered. She watched Nightmare, Pierce, Boris and two faceless take their places at center stage, in front of a gate prop, and she gave the cue to open the curtain. It was finally starting.

Pierce (Marcellus): It is a dark day in Denmark.

Faceless 1: Sure is. Bloody cold too. [Looks to Marcellus and Horatio] You here to switch guard duty?

[Marcellus nods, faceless 1 and 2 walk out]

Boris (Horatio): Now you told me that you and some of the other guards have been seeing a…ghost, was it?

M: Yes. The past two nights, at midnight, he comes, the spittin' image of the late king and Prince Hamlet's father.

Ho: No kidding.

M: I'm being serious here, you know.

Ho: Yes, seriously insane. I think the cold's finally gotten to your head.

[Nightmare (Ghost) enters. M sees him, Ho does not.]

M: Really? [points] What do you call that then?

Ho: [turns, squeaks, runs behind M] T-t-t-that's….

M: Yup. That is a ghost. Looks kinda familiar, doesn't he?

Ho: Now that you mention it…[shakes head] Nope, don't really see it.

M: What, the ghost? You just—

Ho: No, you damn fool, the resemblance. I mean…the eye patch really doesn't help.

M: And how many monarchs do you know that wear a bloody eye patch?

Ho: [shrugs, stops hiding] Good point. Let's tell Hamlet.

M: Why?

Ho: How often does someone's father come back from the dead? He should at least know. He might want to say 'hi', or something. 'Long time no see.' 'I've missed you, how is the afterlife working out?'

M: You are awfully sacrilegious.

Ho: Modern times, my friend, modern times. I'm getting Hammy. See ya later. [Exits]

M: See you. [To Ghost] Want a cup of tea or something?

G: [Shakes head]

M: A shot of brandy? Something to warm ya up?

G: [Considers, nods, walks forward to receive alcohol]

[Scene ends, both exit stage]

[Scene opens out to ballroom, where everyone except Pierce and Boris are standing, Blood and Vivaldi center-stage, arm in arm, with crowns on their heads. Julius stands to the side in all black, looking rather forlorn and bitter. Basically, the same as always.]

Blood (Claudius): Hello everyone, and thank you for coming! It's been a lovely coronation, a beautiful wedding, and now, the part you've all been waiting for—reception is in the east ballroom!

[Crowd of nobles cheer]

Hamlet: [sarcastically] Oh, yippee.

Gertrude: Oh, dear, you need to get past this. It's already been a month. I mean, look at me! Instead of wallowing in my grief I have found a new happiness in my life. You should do the same. [Turns to Claudius] Come dear; let's not keep our guests waiting.

C: In a moment. [Pecks Gertrude on the cheek, Gertrude leaves] My nephew—my son—your mother is right. Do not wallow in your sadness. You are alive, you should enjoy it. As we all know too well, life is brief.

Ha: Go enjoy the reception. You shouldn't keep all those drunkards* waiting.

C: [patient sigh] I understand. Later, then. [leaves]

Ha: [looks at crowd] To be fair, we do know how to party 'round here. But a month? A MONTH? Is it completely unreasonable to still be sad at this point? Am I the only one who really cared at all? [Ends unsatisfactorily, angrily:] A month.

[Horatio walks into empty ballroom, looks around]

Ho: Hey Hamlet. Who are you talking to?

Ha: The fourth wall. How are you?

Ho: I'm alright. Better than you, I'd guess. I was just at the reception. Why don't you come back with me, we both can get royally bashed and have morning mysteries to solve tomorrow while we're hung over?

Ha: Not in the mood.

Ho: I understand. [Puts arm around Hamlet] And while this isn't healthy or rational, I have some news for you.

Ha: What?

Ho: Well, the other night Marcellus and I—

Ha: What's the point?

Ho: Don't bite my head off. Sheesh.

Ha: Sorry. Continue.

Ho: We may have seen your father's ghost.

Ha: [stares blankly] You're hilarious. And a sicko.

Ho: I'm not joking. Come with me tonight and you'll see.

Ha: I'm hiding the absinthe from now on.

Ho: Hamlet, you're my friend, so I'm totally free to say this: stop being an over-emotional asshole and just do it. Alright?

Ha: Alright, alright, I'll come.

[Scene ends]

[Scene opens in front of gates. Horatio and Hamlet stand in front, waiting.]

Ha: This illusion of yours better show up soon before I freeze to death.

Ho: How dare you attack my integrity! Here I am, your good friend! You know me—

Ha: Yes, I do, and I still think that this is the result of one too many shots and a sick imagination.

[Ghost appears]

Ho: My sick imagination just arrived.

Ha: [stares, shocked] …Dad? [ghost nods] Dad? Is it really…?

Ho: I'm sure you want a moment. I'll see you later. [leaves]

Ha: So…Dad…how are you?

Gh: I'm dead. Nothing really changes after that.

Ha: Oh, you can talk.

Gh: Yes, but I don't have much time, so I'll get straight to it. I was murdered.

Ha: [stunned] Murdered? [Rage] By who?

Gh: That's 'whom'.

Ha: You're dead, why do you care? Who murdered you?

Gh: My brother, who now sits on my throne.

Ha: Wait…Uncle Claudius?

Gh: He poisoned me while I was resting in the garden. Put a few drops in my ear, and soon after…[slides finger across throat]

Ha: That bastard! I'll kill him!

Gh: Yes, please, go right ahead. And make sure that when the revenge is complete everyone knows what a scumbag he is.

Ha: Wait…does Mom…?

Gh: [shakes head] Your mother doesn't know. All she did was remarry.

Ha: I swear I will avenge you.

Gh: I'm glad. Well, here comes the dawn. I have to go back to Purgatory now. Good luck. I love you, son.

Ha: I love you too, Dad.

[scene ends]

[Scene opens in gardens where Ophelia, Laertes and Polonius stand. A piece of luggage is in Laertes' hand.]

P: You ready to set off?

L: All set.

P: Now, before you go, let me give you some advice.

L: C'mon, dad, I really want to go…

P: Son, hear me out first. Understood? Or it's the Box.

L: [shudders] Yes, sir.

P: Don't get into unnecessary fights. Ask for directions. Dress well. If you sleep with them, don't give them your real name. Always pay your debts in time. And lastly, remember to write.

L: Alright, Dad. [They hug. Cue 'aw'.] I'll miss you. [turns to Ophelia] You take care of yourself, sis.

O: Will do. Don't _just_ screw around while you're in Paris, okay?

L: [Innocent smile] What ever are you talking about? I'm studying, remember?

O: Oh, we know you're studying. It's just nothing university can teach you.

L: [big smile] Jealous?

O: [flushes] No! Just go already!

L: [Hugs Ophelia] See you sometime. [Laertes leaves stage]

Narrator (Peter): And we shouldn't see him…for a while, if everything goes as planned.

O: [Alice snapped around to the Role Holders behind her, and Peter, who's standing stage left, arms crossed, leaning back against the wall.] What the hell is going on? Why is Peter on stage?

N: No time to explain, your cue is coming up.

O: [glares at narrator] Quiet, you.

P: Ophelia, can we talk?

O: [turns from Peter] Sure. What is it?

P: I've been hearing…rumors that you and Prince Hamlet have been spending a lot of time together. Alone.

O: We often go on walks together. He's a good friend.

P: That's not what I've been hearing.

O: It's not—

P: Don't lie to your father. Do you love him?

O: …I do.

P: Break up with him.

O: WHAT?

P: You heard me. He is a Prince. You are not good enough for him. And with the recent death of his father, his behavior has been unstable of late. I don't want you related to someone like that. I want the best for you, and he is not it.

O: Dad, I love him. And you can't tell me what to do.

P: I can. Leave him. For my sake and for yours. He will only bring you misery.

O: Why? I…can't… [Begins to cry] Alright. I will do as you say.

P: It's for your own good, my girl. [Kisses forehead] Trust me.

[Scene ends]

[Scene opens in ballroom. Hamlet stands alone.]

Ha: I can't believe this. How could my uncle have murdered his own brother? Why? Why?

[Ophelia walks in]

O: Hamlet, can I talk to you a moment?

Ha: [looks up] Oh, Ophelia. [Moves to hug her, but Ophelia holds up a hand to stop him. Confused:] What is it?

O: You're not going to like it.

Ha: My week can't really get much worse as it is. What is it?

O: My father told me to stop seeing you.

Ha: Say what?

O: I've been told that we can't be together anymore. I'm sorry.

Ha: Why?

O: He just told me to stop. He's seen your grief and your recent moods, and doesn't think it's healthy for me to be with you.

Ha: You're joking, right? This is just a really, really, bad joke, right?

O: [crying] I'm sorry, Hamlet. I truly am. [runs out of the room]

Ha: [stares, dumbfounded] Well, fuck.

[Scene ends, spotlight on narrator in left corner of stage. Curtain closes. Spotlight falls on Peter, in same casual position where we last saw him.]

N: Well, Hamlet's just not having the best month, is he? Oh, hello. You're all wondering who I am. I am just a lowly narrator, at your service. [bows] I am here to clarify and comment on the events. Not to mention, to speed us along our story. Otherwise, we'd be here all night.

[Offstage] Boris: White, hurry it up!

N: Yes, yes, annoying little kitty cat. I'm going. [clears throat] As I was saying before my rude interruption, we now move onto the next part of the story. Hamlet knows that his uncle Claudius murdered his father, but he needs proof. You cannot go around killing monarchs without there being some consequences, after all. For reference, I give you the French Revolution.

[Offstage] Boris: White!

N: [Ignores] And so Hamlet invites a traveling theatre troupe to the castle and asks them to put on a particular play, in order to finally assure himself that his uncle is guilty.

[Curtain opens to miniature stage on the left, turned outward to the audience, with a small set of stands to the right side, also turned out to the audience. Hamlet stands with the Player, while others mingle around the stands]

Ha: And you've prepared the idea I've given you?

Pl: Oh yes, it's all set. We even enlisted a few old friends of yours.

Ha: Who?

[Rosencrantz and Guildenstern walk on stage] R&G: Hamlet! Hey!

Ha: Ros! Guil! What's up? Where have the two of you been all this time?

R: Stuff.

G: Fun stuff. You watching the show?

Ha: Yep.

R&G: Good! It's gonna be great! [scamper off]

Ha: They're more in sync then ever.

Pl: Not gonna lie, they scare me sometimes. Oh well. Go and enjoy the show!

[Hamlet settles into his seat on the stands. Two spotlights come on: one on Claudius, the other on the mini stage.]

_A faceless narrator appeared and began to recite what would be the stupidest thing any one in Wonderland had heard in a long time. (That is saying something.)_

On-stage Narrator: The pink and orange striped Chihuahua, dressed with a yellow bandana, crossed the cola flavored swamp on a teal dinosaur to the Sunny Land of Flowers and Candy to defeat the angry Anteater that had purple carnivore bunny minions.

_Everyone, both on stage and in the audience, looked at each other oddly and wondered what the hell was happening as Dee, dressed as the Chihuahua, came onto the stage. Julius (Hamlet) glared at Gowland (the Player) who merely shrugged and held a finger to his lips. Claudius' (Blood's) face was covered in embarrassment._

OSN: The Anteanter of Doom had been terrorizing the neighboring Land of Reason and Rationality from which the Chihuahua had come, and, tired of it and ready to return to a life of tranquility, the citizens had sent their bravest, most competent, and fiercest warrior.

_Dum stepped onto the stage opposite Dee, wearing all black, a menacing look on his face. He had a strange costume extra—a grey streak through his black hair, very similar to Blood's. It was not missed by anyone._

OSN: Little did the Chihuahua know that the Anteater had a sad and harsh life; he was banished at a young age from the Land of Peacocks and Fanciness for stealing the land's most precious emu egg to save his family from his angry Ant neighbor's. Because of this the Anteater hated irony and sided with the carnivore bunnies that were also misjudged for their carnivore ways.

_Dee and Dum were miming their actions to the words of the narrator while the group looked on in shock and utter disbelief. This was not what had been planned. Alice was vibrating, but no one wanted to know whether it was from laughter or some less positive emotion. Two women who no one had ever seen before, both oddly with faces, joined in the bleachers with them._

Gray: What the hell is this supposed to be?

Ho: Shakespeare on crack?

Gray: Someone's on crack and it ain't Shakespeare.

Ha: Shh! We're getting to the good part. …I hope.

C: It can't get much…more than this. I don't even know how to describe it.

Ha: It wouldn't happen to remind you of anything, would it?

C: [glances oddly at Hamlet] Nothing more than my college days. Why?

_"Hamlet" didn't get a chance to answer. The two strangers with faces began to speak._

La: I'm a loser.

Al: Yes… Yes you are... But I still love you.

La: *chuckles*

_Everyone was now staring at the two girls, just noticing them._

R&G: Who are you two?

La: Peanut gallery. Watch the play already.

R&G: We're in the play!

La: Well then, get to it. [Waves like she's shooing them away]

Al: I'm pretty much the master. Muahahaha!

La: Yes, and I'm the author. [Al promptly disappears with a poof] Now, returning to the plot at hand…

Al: [returns] No. No more of that. I did not like it. AND, I started this, so I'm the author. Don't make me turn you into a featherless peacock...

La: I have a feather. No worries. [Points to a hat with a peacock feather that suddenly appears]

Polonius: Ahem. Would the audience kindly SHUT UP.

La: Yes, yes.

Al: Well, hello there! I'm Alexa, and this here is my story! My… precious.

La: *backs away slowly* You are a creep. A creepy, creepy… *backs away more*

Al: *walks over to Layla* You are being ridiculous. And you are the one with the creepy laugh. So meh.

La: Can't deny the creepy laugh. And 'meh'? What kind of argument is that? 'Meh.' I tell you…

R&G: You onee-sans are weird.

La: This coming from you two?

R&G: Yea.

La: All of you are weird. And I suppose I'm weirder for liking it.

Al: I was beginning to think you forgot about me… I was feeling left out. And Layla? Learn to freaking type, woman.

La: … I hate you so much right now.

Al: I'm impressed you typed that all correctly. *claps for Layla*

La: Hey, Alexa? Learn to use punctuation correctly. …Fuck. Typos. *cue Fail Parade*

Al: Leave all of my comments alone you grammar Nazi, you… Chyea.

Joker [from side]: This is more fun than watching what's on stage.

La: [stands, bows to Joker] So glad to be of service.

Al: Yay! [cue crazy anteater and peacock party] Woot!

La: Yay! Party! You bring the Dos Equis, I'll bring the rum!

Al: Oh… Layla… I thought someone told you… Wow, this is awkward… You weren't invited to the party…

La: …Then what about the rum? And why do you hate me so? *cries in emo corner with Peter*

Peter: Because you're crying in an emo corner. That says everything. [backs up] Get away from me.

La: Shut up. No one likes you. [Leaves Peter alone]

Al: I feel weird… Like someone took control of me for a second there… Weird… I bet this is your fault Layla…[La glares at Al] Shut up, I don't know how, but I bet it's all your fault.

La: Right, blame the omnipotent being in charge of this crack. Yes, do that.

Al: It's my computer, I started the story. So I'm in charge. So, there.

La: [robot voice] All hail the one who owns the computer.

Al: I love my computer. And I'm not too fond of your sarcasm there, missy.

La: Look who you're talking to. It's a major point of my personality.

Ha: I think this "reveal how my dad was murdered by putting on a play" thing isn't really working out.

Ho: I agree.

Al: I forgot there were others here besides Layla and I… Well howdy ho there!

Cast: Er…hello…people of the real world.

La: Oh, hello! I'm the omnipotent author who's been in control of your destinies for the last…seven chapters?

Peter: You are creeping me out. Especially you, Layla.

La: Again, this coming from the Stalker-in-Residence.

Al: *mockingly* I'm Layla; I'm SO smart and sarcastic. Blah, blah, blah, big word, blah. Oh and Layla what does an apricot look like?

La: Oh, I don't know, what does a panda look like? Hmmm?

Al: I WAS TIRED! I mean come on! I wore two different sandals to go take a shower! What's your excuse? Hmmm?

La: Albeit not having an excuse for that particular incident, I'm the one with vision issues. Yet I am able to distinguish a panda from a koala bear.

Al: You were wearing contacts. Don't give me that bull crap… And again, I was tired. Get that through your head. I know that might be a bit difficult because you are so headstrong.

La: Self-assured, headstrong…all the same thing. Nonetheless…oh shit, I forgot where I was going with that…*deep sigh*

Al: Sheesh Layla, way to make it PG13 now. Can we refrain from cursing? I know you curse like a bloody sailor, but at least attempt to keep it PG. M'kay?

La: *Refers Al to Ch. 6 of this fan fiction.* What is PG about this? Mm? I recall dropping the F word a couple lines back. And last I checked, 'bloody' is considered foul language in some other countries.

Al: I meant this little commentary part, not the story dumb-dumb.

La: Ah. I see. Yes, I stand corrected. …you are not allowed to comment on that.

Al: I will do what I want.

Cast: [pulls out second bowl of popcorn, requests drink refills from Peter, who grudgingly agrees.]

Al: So I have Mambo from West Side Story stuck in my head… Just wanted to put that out there. Oh, and Layla? You are a loser.

La: Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend. *claps*

Al: Thank you, thank you! Oh, and for the record, Layla cannot sing. Even if her life depended on it. Sorry, but it's true…

La: Well, if the music's loud enough, it doesn't really matter, does it?

Al: Well… *cough*. So… Layla just left to go to the bathroom… It's party time! Yeah!

[Everyone besides Layla starts dancing and having a fantastic time.]

Al: Ah! She's returned! Everyone, stop what you are doing!

La: Hello! I'm back. …What's going on?

Everyone: Nothing.

La: That's not suspicious.

Player: Can we move on now?

La: Yes, proceed.

[Everyone settles in for play's conclusion. If you're lost, proceed to section before the weirdness to catch up again.]

OSN [clears throat]: But, as the elected hero, the Chihuahua would not come to know this crucial and plot-changing point until much, much later. Now, standing in the poppy field where the battle would take place, he halted the teal dinosaur, fondly named Robert, and faced the Anteater.

_The Bloody Twins continued to mime this part, and now faced each other on the stage, having gotten over the odd guests._

OSN: The Chihuahua dismounted and said to the Anteater:

Dee: Why are you terrorizing my country?

Dum: You wronged me.

De: What, how? What did we ever do to you?

Du: You banished me from your country.

De: No we didn't. You were banished from the Land of Peacocks and Fanciness, not the Land of Reason and Rationality.

Du: Contrarily: it's the same place. The name was changed by your current king after my banishment.

De: Well then. [Scratches the back of his uncomfortably] I'm sorry about that. But couldn't you stop now? I'll go back and forget this ever happened, and then we won't have to fight each other.

Du: Contrary-wise, since we're here though, we may as well go at it. I mean, it's kind of a waste not to.

De: Good point. [The Chihuahua whipped out his weapon, a pogo stick. It allowed him better access and reach in order to bite his enemy to death. Actually, it was very effective.]

_The Anteater (a.k.a. Dum) pulled out a long blow gun and a bag of poisoned darts. The spotlight on the miniature stage lowered._

OSN: So, you, the audience, can imagine how this fight went down. Without going into semantics the Chihuahua was defeated. The Anteater took his body back to the Land of Reason and Rationality (which is ironic in itself because what is reasonable about a pink and orange striped Chihuahua who wields a pogo stick?). The Anteater, hater of irony, then took it upon himself to dispose of the king and become king himself. He married the Queen, and lived somewhat happily ever after.

_The play-within-the-play ended and the cast descended from the bleachers, people in all black moving quickly on stage to dissemble the sets from the stage. Hamlet and Claudius were left on stage, Hamlet watching for his reaction. Claudius looked furious and stomped his way off stage._

Ha: So at last, I know that my father was murdered, and by his brother, no less! Although, I really need to look into hiring new entertainment from now on… [leaves stage]

[scene closes]

* * *

* Note: There is reference through the original that the Danes are heavy drinkers (must of been a political thing of the times; the Brits did not like the Danes at the historical moment). I am not making this up. Well, most of it. The important stuff at least. Like the plot. The lines…yeah.

Al: I was distracted by my mother, so I was not in control of the end of the story. So if you hate it, it was all Layla's fault. So blame her… not me. Brownies for EVERYONE! Except for Layla…

La: Ah, well. I'll just drink all the rum. *looks around* Where has all the rum gone?

***More Notes: We didn't use our real names in this. This was a collaborative effort on the part of my friend and I, with the help of extreme boredom and a few doses of sugar. Contrary to what it seems, we were completely sober, and in no way, shape or form, condone the consumption of illegal substances, nor underage drinking to the readers who are underage in their respective countries. But, if you must, so be it. Just don't get caught.

I sincerely apologize for this. But I like it anyway; I think it's funny (albeit silly), so I'm keeping it. Never again am I doing the role-play thing, though. I will update…eventually. Yes. That. If you hated it, let me know in the least abusive way of possible so that I can remind myself—again—to never do this. Also, if the play-script writing was confusing, please let me know.


	9. Chapter 9

**Ch. 9 Act 1, Part 2**

[Scene opens. Claudius sitting on throne in ballroom, alone. There's a knocking offstage.]

C: Come in.

R&G: You called us, your Highness?

C: Ah, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. I'm glad you've come.

R&G: What is it?

C: You two are old friends of Hamlet's, correct?

R: Known him for years. Why?

C: And he trusts you, correct?

G: We've established that we're friends. Where are you going with this?

C: Could you show me your loyalty? You are loyal to the royal family, are you not?

R&G: Of course.

C: I want you to spy on my nephew.

R&G: What for?

C: I am worried about him. He has been acting oddly of late. I want to know what is making him behave so strangely. And if you can not let him know, that would be best.

R&G: Wouldn't spying be wrong?

C: You'll be well-compensated for it.

R&G: [no hesitation] We're in.

C: Good. Send in the next person, would you?

R&G: Yes, your Majesty. [Leaves]

[Polonius walks in, bows]

P: You sent for me, your Majesty?

C: [Gets up from throne, puts an arm around P's shoulder] Ah, Polonius, my friend. I have a favor to ask of you.

P: Name it, my lord.

C: You have noticed the behavior of my nephew, have you not?

P: Yes, but I put an end to it.

C: Excellent, excellent… [Pause, stops, thinks] Wait…an end to what, exactly?

P: Him and my daughter. They're through.

C: Oh. Well. That's…nice, I suppose. But I was referring to his behavior concerning his father's death.

P: Oh. That. Well, I'm not surprised he's still upset. They were awfully close.

C: Yes. [Scowls in silence for a moment, then continues] I have my suspicions that Hamlet suspects me of somehow bringing on his father's premature death.

P: [Shocked] Surely not?

C: [Look of a saint] I'm afraid so. If you could keep an eye on him, I would most appreciate it. And keep it from Hamlet, and your daughter. She might be a liability if she does love him, as you say.

P: It won't be a problem. As I said, I told her to never see him again.

C: We'll see how that works out. I thank you for your loyalty. You may go.

P: My lord. [bows, leaves]

C: Well, that at least is taken care of for the moment. [leans back, deep sigh] It's good ta be da King.

[scene ends]

xoxox

[scene opens with Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in ballroom]

Ha: So how have you two been.

R&G: Pretty good. You?

Ha: I've been better.

R: We understand.

G: Can't have been easy with your dad gone.

Ha: No. So why were you with that traveling troupe? I thought you guys were in Paris.

R&G: We were.

Ha: So why…?

R: We ran into the Player and his gang while flipping coins and idling about.*

G: And they were on their way here, so we figured…

Ha: I see. What was that? [points to pillar]

R&G: What was what?

Ha: I thought I saw someone a second ago, but they just vanished.

R&G: [Exchange significant looks] We didn't see no one.

Ha: I didn't imagine it.

R&G: [More significant looks]

R: You want to go play chess or something?

G: Get out of the castle for the day.

Ha: [still looking oddly at pillar] Sure. [They leave]

[Polonius pops out from behind the pillar]

P: That was close.

[Scene ends]

xoxox

[Scene opens: Faceless appears with a sign that reads 'Two days later', then leaves. Ros, Guil, Claudius and Polonius in throne room.]

R: We're sure of it. Hamlet's off his rocker.

C: And what exactly makes you say that?

G: Small things really. Seeing things that aren't there. Checking round corners with mirrors. Muttering about ghosts and revenge. It's all pretty weird.

R: We think he needs to get out for some R&R.

G: Or he needs to get laid.

P: [puffs up indignantly] Keep Hamlet away from my daughter!

R&G: We weren't talking about Ophelia, pervert rabbit.

P: What is that supposed to mean? Is my daughter not good enough? Hmm, is that what you're trying to say?

R: Hardly.

G: We'll be glad to get her off your hands.

P: You two—!

C: Gentlemen, that's enough. [Three stop quarreling] Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, thank you for your efforts. You may go. [R&G leave. C turns on P, not looking pleased] Now, what did I say about staying out of sight?

P: Your nephew's sharper than I thought.

C: [sighs, keeps thoughts to himself] Try a little harder not to be seen, okay?

P: Yes, my lord. I'll do my best.

C: Yes, I know, that's what worries me. You may go.

P: [slightly hurt and confused, but leaves anyway]

C: [Rubs temple] I'm surrounded by imbeciles. [Leaves throne room]

[From stage left steps out Hamlet; he's been eavesdropping the whole time]

Ha: Just as I figured. Can't trust anyone anymore.

[Scene closes]

xoxox

[Scene opens, another Faceless walks up, with a sign: 'Two More Days Later'. Claudius and Polonius, throne room]

P: Your Majesty, this is getting serious. I have been keeping a close eye on Hamlet; his actions are stranger still. He walks around, muttering to himself, going out of the castle and talking to apothecary dealers, inquiring on any poison sales they made recently, and to gravediggers. Talking about old jesters named Yoric. It's been very strange. I think his delusion that you killed the last king has led too far.

C: [Looking very troubled] I agree. This is troubling indeed. I had predicted this. Call in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern; I think I have a way to handle the situation.

[Scene ends]

xoxox

[Scene opens to what looks like a shipyard; Hamlet, Ros and Guil stand in heavy coats, with luggage beside them]

R: I think this little trip to England will be good for all of us. What do you think, Guil?

G: I agree. A bit of fresh air, get out of the castle and the cold for a bit—Hamlet?

Ha: Hmm. Perhaps you're right.

R: I'm going to check that everything's ready.

G: I'll come with you.

[They leave, leaving Hamlet alone, frowning]

Ha: If my uncle thinks this little trip is going to rid of his problem, he's greatly mistaken. I bet that envelope that Ros is clutching so dearly is an order for execution once we reach England's shore. That's right—[looks out to crowd]—this is all just another way to get rid of me. We'll land in port and get detained by soldiers, I'll probably be taken away to the Tower of London and then executed under some trounced-up excuse. Then Claudius will have nothing to worry about, now that the true heir to the throne is gone. But no worries—I have a plan as well. [Holds up an envelope for the entire crowd to see.]

[Ros and Guil return]

R: Ready to go, Hamlet? The ship's all loaded up, according to the captain. You ready?

Ha: As ready as I'll ever be.

[All bend to pick up luggage; envelope falls out of Ros' coat. Hamlet quickly scoops it, switches it with the letter he held out earlier.]

Ha: Rosencrantz, you dropped this.

G: Oh, thank god you grabbed that, Hamlet! The king entrusted that to us. I wonder what it's for.

Ha: [Innocently] Perhaps a trading agreement of something with the English crown?

R: Perhaps. Thanks. [Take envelope from Hamlet, tucks into jacket front. Ros and Guil go ahead and walk off stage; Hamlet stays behind a moment. He looks at crowd pointedly before ripping the envelope to shreds and scattering the bits on the floor.]

Ha: [grinning] Yes, if dear Uncle Claudius thinks this is over, he's _dead_ wrong. [Walks offstage]

[Scene ends]

xoxox

[Scene opens up to a bedroom. Gertrude is sitting on the bed, brushing her hair. There's a knock offstage.]

G: Enter.

[Polonius enters.]

P: Your Majesty, may I come in?

G: You may. What is it?

P: The king asked me to come check in on you, to see how you were.

G: How sweet of him. I'm doing fine. How are you, Polonius? You seem awfully busy of late.

P: I am busy with my duties from the crown.

G: Then you will be busy until the end.

P: Have you spoken to Prince Hamlet of late?

G: No, he seems distracted most of the time. I am very worried. Why—?

[Sudden knocks on the door, very urgent.]

G: Polonius, hide yourself a moment.

[Polonius hides behind a curtain, but the audience can still see him.]

G: Enter.

[Hamlet comes in. Gertrude looks startled.]

G: Hamlet! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be on a ship to England? Claudius told me—

Ha: I don't give a damn what my dear uncle told you.

G: Don't talk about my husband that way!

Ha: What about your last husband, Mother? Do you remember him?

G: Why are you talking to me like this? Your father's death was very hard on me.

Ha: [sneering] Oh, clearly. Must have been so hard to switch from black mourning to white celebration in only a day.

G: Why are you being so cruel? Why aren't you on your way to England? What about your friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?

Ha: Oh, they're still on their way to England. It will be their last trip.

G: [looks alarmed] Hamlet, what have you done?

Ha: Only what your dear husband would have had done to me.

G: What is that supposed to mean?

[Behind the curtain, Polonius appears to step closer, like he's listening more intently.]

Ha: Claudius sent to me to England to be killed there.

G: What? How can you say that—?

Ha: Listen to me quickly, because I don't know how much time I have. Claudius killed Father to get the throne.

G: [Pure shock] What? How could that be, Claudius loved your father—

Ha: He was jealous of Father. He had him murdered and gained his throne, kingdom and wife for himself. And he just tried to send me to my death. What further proof do you need?

[We see Polonius creep closer, knocking something. G and Ha freeze.]

Ha: What was that?

G: I…I…

Ha: [pulls out a knife] He's here now, isn't he? That murderous uncle!

G: No! Hamlet, stop, put that away!

Ha: [points to the curtain, to where Polonius stands] There? He's hiding there? [rushes to curtain and stabs through with the knife; Polonius cries out and falls through to the room, dead]

[Gertrude screams, Hamlet goes pale with shock]

G: What have you done! [screams and runs off stage]

Ha: [small voice, shock] What have I done?

[Scene ends]

_The curtain closed; the first act was concluded._

* * *

*This is a reference to _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead,_ a theater-of-the-absurd period production (try 1940s-50s American theatre). It focuses on some of the minor characters of Hamlet, namely Ros and Guil, and is pretty funny (look up on YouTube, I'm sure there's a clip or two). This play opens up with Ros and Guil flipping a coin and betting on the result, of which one of them loses every round.

Not what you expected from the ending, yes? But it's a serious play and requires serious plot stuff. From here the plot will deviate some, as it already has. I've kept the main points, anyhow, and that's what important. Sorry for making you wait so long, but the story is finished (Finally!) and I will spread out updates for a few days to finalize edits and stuff.


	10. Chapter 10

**Ch. 10 Intermission**

The curtain closed to applause and Alice scrambled immediately backstage to change for the second act. Sets were being placed, crew preparing props and putting aside the ones they no longer needed.

"I'd say it's going pretty well right now," Ace said with a grin. The others nodded, busy and resting. Elliot and the twins were in a huddle, reviewing their lines aloud for the final time, for once not arguing with each other. Vivaldi and Joker stood to the side, discussing last moment changes to make scene transitions faster. Gowland, his part in the play over, was sitting in the orchestra pit, talking with some of the musicians. Pierce and Gray were helping to move the sets around.

"Julius? Can you help me with this real quick?" Alice said, and he took one side of a table and they walked to place it on set.

"I think it's going pretty well so far," he said.

"Mm-hm. Me too. Just hope it keeps up. Nice job on that last scene."

"Thank you," Julius said with a softer look. "It's a pretty impressive project, really," he remarked calmly and Alice asked him to explain what he meant.

"I'm just saying that it takes a lot for all of us to put aside our disagreements and differences long enough to get something like this done. I'm not sure anyone else could have pulled it off." He might have smiled then; the corner of his mouth lifted in the slightest degree and his eyes sparkled.

Alice couldn't help but smile back and then scrambled off backstage. She needed one last thing for the second act.

xoxox

Peter and Boris stood in the stage's right wing, the curtain closed. They stood beside a large open chest that held an assortment of props and other items for the stage. Both were listening carefully for signs of the other Role Holders and, most especially, of Alice, as they sorted quickly through the various things.

"You understand your role now, too, right White?"

Peter nodded, staring at Boris coldly. "I do. I will do whatever I can to protect my Alice from harm."

Boris bit his tongue, holding back his refreshed irritation at the rodent and said, "Remember your cues in the finale, and make sure not to accidentally get wounded or Alice will kill us." He handed Peter the last of some props and shut the chest. "And if a bit of harm falls on Alice, you are dead meat."

"Nothing will harm Alice." Peter said coolly, and though he began to walk away, carrying with him many of the props for the final scene, he stopped and glanced back at Boris.

"Why are you doing this? Letting me be part of the play? Doesn't this hurt your chances with Alice?"

Boris shrugged and then grinned a smile befitting of being a Cheshire. "What can I say? This is more fun. And despite the fact that I hate you, I think, deep down, Alice doesn't." He paused a moment, letting the words sink it, before adding quickly, "Doesn't love you, gets really annoyed with you, but I don't think she hates you. Maybe if you toned down the creepiness, it would help." Boris turned and bounded off to change for the second act, leaving Peter scowling at his back, but thinking about what he said nonetheless.

xoxox

"So far everything is going well, wouldn't you say, Alice dear?"

Alice looked at Vivaldi, tying back her hair as the finishing touch on her costume change. "It's still on course, even with the Peter thing, which isn't so bad, actually. Really, I'm surprised. I would have thought that the others would have tried to pull something by now."

Vivaldi laughed naturally. "What makes you say that?"

Alice sighed tiredly and replied bluntly, "I know them."

Vivaldi smiled and despite the uneasiness in her gut she said easily, "Try and trust them a little. If something does happen it wouldn't be trying to ruin this for you. We and all the peons realize that this is important to you and want it to work out as best as it can."

Alice turned, her eyes wide in surprise and soft with gratitude. "You really mean that?"

"Of course we do. Have we ever lied to you?"

Alice smiled. "I suppose not." She came forward and hugged Vivaldi, taking the Queen of Hearts by surprise. "Thanks, Vivaldi. That means a lot."

The Queen returned the hug and after a moment released the young girl and said, "We have to finish our make up. Check on the peons, would you?"

Alice nodded, leaving Vivaldi alone to contemplate if what she'd just said was a big mistake or not.

There came a knock at the door; Vivaldi called, "It's open."

"Your Majesty?"

"White," the Queen acknowledged in a clipped voice. "What is it?"

"All the preparations are done."

"Good. Little Alice doesn't suspect a thing."

"All right. I'll move backstage until it's time."

"White."

Peter turned. "What is it?"

"We would like to wish you good luck. Break a leg, as they say."

Peter thanked the Queen and walked out of the changing room. An unpleasant feeling settled over him. When anyone else said that, they meant 'good luck'. But when Vivaldi said it he couldn't help but wonder whether she was actually hoping he'd fall to bodily harm.

xoxox

"Candy! Get your candy here, all bars one schmoller, all sodas a schmoller fifty, water is 75 schmints!"

"Souvenir glasses, t-shirts sold here! We all sizes for all types! Adult shirts 15 schmollers, children 10!"

"Crowd shout-outs, a schmoller each! Get three for a schmoller fifty!"

"Flowers, fresh cut this morning! Are you a fan of someone on the stage? A dozen roses, six schmollers each! A better bargain you'll never see!"

A bunch of faceless children scrambled around the refreshment booth that a few of the Circus staff were running. A man in a jugggler's outfit handled the money while a woman in a trapeze-walker outfit filled the orders. Beside the booth was a clown making balloon animals, two schmollers each. Faceless from the Hatter mafia ran the flower booth; Faceless from the castle ran the shout-out table; Faceless from the Amusement Park ran the souvenir table. Each territory was doing its part to engage in opportunism at its finest. And it was turning quite the profit.

A cry rang out from in front of the refreshments booth; a small crowd surrounded a balling child, while a circus staff member scrambled around the front and bent down, trying to comfort and calm the child. "What happened, little one?"

But it was easy to see what had happened; a sticky lollipop lay on the ground; someone had bumped the child and sent the candy flying. A rare treat, gone to waste.

"Where's the kid's mother?"

No one spoke up.

"What is going on? Why is no one working?" came a sinister-sweet voice. A communal shudder ran through the crowd as it parted, allowing Joker to pass through.

"Who's child is this? Get it to shut up, would you?" Black was out.

"I'm sorry sir, nothing I say will-"

"Get away, you incompetent fool," said Black, and the employee hastened away. Black roughly picked up the child and shook it. "Be quiet you. We'll get you another lollipop, so shut up."

This, if anything, made the child cry harder.

"Why won't you shut up?"

"_Maybe I should take care of this one,_" came a voice from the mask; the Joker seemed to stand frozen a moment, and then a serene smile spread across his features. White was in charge.

"Little one, you should be quiet. You do want another lollipop, don't you? But you'll need to calm down."

Nothing doing; the kid was balling as loud as ever. The crowd surrounding the pair was getting larger as every second passed. Whispers like "to torture just a kid, for shame" and "the rumors are true, the Joker really is a heartless maniac" were heard. An eyebrow ticked, but the smile remained in place. So Joker took the boy and cradled him carefully, and began to do something very odd. He began to sing.

_"When you try your best but you don't succeed_

_When you get what you want but not what you need_

_When you feel so tired that you can't sleep_

_Stuck in reverse_

_And the tears come streaming down your face_

_When you lose something that you can't replace_

_When you love something but it goes to waste_

_Could it be worse?"_

The kid's tears began to stop and the child was looking up at Joker, slightly wide-eyed (or it would be, if he had eyes) and his mouth hanging open slightly. The crowd also stared. Could this...really be happening?

"Lights will guide you home" -Joker began to walk toward the refreshment stand-

"And ignite your bones" -Joker stopped in front of the stand and was bouncing the kid on one arm-

"And I will try to fix you." The Joker's hand floated in front of the child's and then paused. "Hmm, something seems to be stuck inside my coat sleeve. Mind pulling it out for me?"

The child hesitantly reached inside the proffered coat sleeve and grabbed hold of something; his face lit up with joy as an unwrapped lollipop appeared in his hand. The kid threw his arms around the Joker's neck and squeezed him in a hug so sweet that a few Faceless had tears appear on their cheeks. Joker pat the child's back and put him down on the ground. Just then a woman ran up and scooped the kid in her arms; "Where have you been, you bad boy?" she cooed as she walked away.

The crowd continued to stare at Joker, who was looking back at the kid and his mother, an oddly soft expression on his face. He then turned on the crowd, and it was clear that Black was back.

"This incident never happened. Anyone who says so will spend a fucking miserable week in my prison."

The crowd dispersed immediately after that. The bell rang for them to return to their chairs. The second act was ready to begin.

* * *

I have no idea what kind of money Wonderland would use. But the names are fun, yes? I really wanted to do something with Joker, and tried to work in something with Lady Gaga's _Poker Face_, but it didn't really work out. The song is Coldplay's _Fix You_, and fit much better. I realize he's very OOC, but well...he wouldn't be the first.

*A little note to anyone who is interested: if you are not familiar with the original Hamlet, and even if you are, I highly recommend the 1996 film version, directed by Kenneth Branagh. It is excellently done and the acting is absolutely superb. There are many well known and familiar faces in the film—Kenneth Branagh is Hamlet (Guilderoy Lockhart from Harry Potter 2—yes, the man can actually act), Derek Jacobi plays Claudius (one of the senators from Gladiator), Timothy Spall as Rosencrantz (been in several movies—Harry Potter, Sweeny Todd, Last Samurai)—it's a really excellent film and a wonderful way to watch the original play (all the lines are from the original). Be warned: it is rather long.

Or, if you want a more familiar and well-known version of Hamlet, might I suggest Disney's _The Lion King_?


	11. Chapter 11

_Reminder on the Roles_:

**Hamlet**—Julius ; **Claudius**—Blood ; **Ophelia**—Alice ; **Horatio**—Boris ; **Laertes**—Ace ; **Polonius**—Elliot ; **Rosencrantz and Guildenstern**—Twins ; **Gertrude**—Vivaldi ;

**Player**—Gowland ; **Ghost**—Nightmare ; **Fortinbras**—Gray ; **Other**—Pierce and Faceless ; **Narrator**—Peter

*Quick formatting note: Normal type=play until otherwise noted. _Italics="real life"._ Characters' names will be typed out the first time they appear in a scene, then followed with the appropriate abbreviations. Also, I will use Shakespeare's character names (mostly) for action in the brackets; if you get lost, refer to the list up above. Hopefully this clears up any confusion you may be having while reading. Enjoy!

* * *

**Ch. 11 Act 2 and Finale**

The lights dimmed, the crowd hushed. The room was filled with silent anticipation as the crowd excitedly awaited the second part of the play. The curtain opened. The spotlight clicked onto the left corner of the stage, where Peter stood with a rolled out scroll, and smiled up at the crowd.

Peter: Good evening, once again. A quick message before the second act: let it be known by all in the audience that tonight's cast of characters is the property of QuinRose and William Shakespeare. Nothing is owned except this present storyline. Signed, the Playwright.

xoxox

[Scene opens with several of the characters in black, staring at a cross in the ground and a coffin—Polonius' funeral. The "priest", a Faceless, is murmuring condolences to Ophelia while everyone begins to slowly leave the stage.]

Claudius: [comes up to Ophelia] I am sorry about your loss. I wish your brother were here to comfort you.

Ophelia: Thank you, your Majesty. We've sent word to Laertes; he should be home soon enough.

C: Again, I'm terribly sorry. But the culprit will be caught and tried soon enough. Justice will be served.

O: Thank you, your Majesty, for your kind words.

C: [pats Ophelia on shoulder, leaves. Gertrude comes, offers condolences. Leaves.]

Horatio: [passing by with Marcellus (Pierce)] But where is Prince Hamlet? I would have expected him to attend the funeral. He didn't even show at the wake.

[Stage finally clears out except for Horatio, Ophelia, and Marcellus]

Marcellus: You didn't hear?

Ho: Hear what?

M: [stage whisper] Prince Hamlet was the one who, you know, to Polonius.

O: [gasps, covers mouth]

Ho: My lord. Where is he now?

M: Being held in the castle dungeons. The king is still debating his punishment. I think he's waiting until Laertes is back from France.

Ho: But why would he do this?

M: [shrugs] He thinks…[M motions closer, O leans into conversation as well] He thinks the king killed his brother to gain the throne. Crazy, right? I think Hamlet lost it when Daddy died.

[No one else is laughing]

Ho: There must be a reason. I will speak to Hamlet as soon as I can.

[Horatio, Marcellus, clear stage, leaving Ophelia alone, stricken with grief and disbelief]

[Scene ends]

xoxox

[Scene opens, Horatio and Hamlet, each on the other side of a set of bars. The dungeons.]

Horatio: But why did you do this? Hamlet, are you crazy like they say you are?

Hamlet: I am as sane as you, Horatio.

Ho: But _Polonius_? The man was harmless, a loyal fool to the crown! And Ophelia's father! how could you?

Ha: I have explained it. It was an accident, and I would take it back if I could. But what is done is done, and I have to receive my punishment.

Ho: Your uncle will have you executed. Royalty or no, the penalty for _murder_ is death.

Ha: I realize that. But because I am royalty, I may get a trial, or something of the kind. I will be allowed to defend myself. My plans depend on it.

Ho: [scoffs] You have a plan? You actually expect something fair?

Ha: No. I expect my uncle to take full advantage of the last barrier to retaining his throne.

Ho: [cautious] What do you mean by that?

Ha: Your dear king murdered my father to gain his throne. That ghost from so long ago was my father and he told me. I am going to avenge him for Claudius' crime.

Ho: [somewhat speechless] The last king was murdered?

Ha: Yes.

Ho: If that is true, you are as good as dead.

Ha: Yes, I know, thank you Captain Obvious.

Ho: Don't be sarcastic, this is serious. What are you going to do now that you're in here?

Ha: I don't know. But you can get me information, correct?

Ho: [nods] I can. Marcellus and I are friends, after all. He'll let me through.

Ha: Good. Go. You should not linger here too long or you'll be suspected of working with me.

Ho: [grin] Even if I am?

Ha: [grins back] Of course. Now, go.

[Scene ends]

_The spotlight came to Peter in his far right corner of the stage. _

Peter: Things were getting difficult and more confusing around the royal family. So much death in the palace in so little time—the castle inhabitants were scared, confused, and unsure of where they should stand. Rumor of Hamlet's madness and actions spread; he was a beloved Prince, and many had a hard time imagining where such a good man had gone so wrong. And they weren't the only ones concerned. But who was most hurt and lost of all was Ophelia, Hamlet's love and the daughter of the man he'd murdered.

_Spotlight lowers, curtain draws back._

[Scene opens to Ophelia, standing in an outdoors scene, with a silver cloth as a lake. She looks exhausted and extremely troubled; the makeup around her eyes are red, like she's been crying a lot.]

Ophelia: I'm sick and tired of being so confused. My love was taken from me by my father, and then that same father dies at the hands of my love. I cannot do this anymore, I cannot live in such a confusing, eat-or-be-eaten place. Goodbye, cruel world.

Peter: As she was about to jump, suddenly—

Laertes: Ophelia, no!

O: What? What are you doing here, A—Laertes? Aren't you in France?

L: I flew in. The funeral, remember? What are you doing?

O: [Alice hesitates a moment before improvising] Going for a swim.

L: It's twenty degrees out here. You'll die. [It didn't help that Ace was grinning widely as he said this.]

O: [scoffs] No I won't. [Quickly] Please leave now.

[Elliot, Twins and Boris run up.]: OPHELIA, DON'T DO IT!

_The crowd of faceless began to shift uncomfortably, and Alice's eyebrow was doing the cha-cha on her face. _

O: Hey, guys, get out of here. NOW.

Elliot: Ophelia, listen to sense. Don't jump, it's going to be okay.

O: Listen, if you guys don't get out right now I am going to jump right here and nothing will stop me.

Twins: But if we leave, you'll jump anyway.

O: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

_Suddenly all four Role Holders on stage jumped her and dragged Alice behind the curtain, muffling her shouts of protest. The curtain snapped closed and the audience murmured in confusion as five full minutes passed. Just as suddenly though the curtain snapped open again and Alice was alone on stage, her fists clenched but her head held high._

O: Due to new knowledge and circumstances, I've decided to hold off on killing myself until another time. That is all.

xoxox

_The scene closed, and the faceless that knew how the play was supposed to go looked around, very lost at this point, and wondering if the price of admission was worth it. _

…_Thinking about it, it was. It was either pay the exorbitant fee or lose a finger. Or an arm, whichever the sadistic prison warden felt like. Speaking of whom, where was the maniacal ringmaster now? _

_The lights came back up, and the spotlight shone on the right end of the stage, where Peter stood, sheet of paper in hand, and cleared his throat._

Peter: So we now cut past a few things and leap forward a week into the future…now present. [clears throat] Anyhow. So Laertes and Claudius are meeting to discuss their plans on how to deal with Hamlet.

[Laertes and Claudius enter the stage; take their seats at a small table prop]

Claudius: So I think we're both in a mutual predicament here. My nephew knows how his father died, and this same nephew off'd your father. My condolences, by the way.

Laertes: Thanks. Old man was kind of an idiot though.

[Offstage] Polonius: Hey! I heard that! That's two hours in the Box, young man!

L: [wails] Not the Box!

C: [looks around confused] Who are you talking to?

L: Umm…[clears throat] Anyway, how do you plan on killing Hamlet?

C: I was hoping you'd have some ideas. Usurping a kingdom has somewhat drained my creative abilities, so I'm dead out of evil plans.

L: Well, we could also just set up a duel and call it a night. The one left standing is obviously the winner.

C: A fair match, then, to decide the fate of the kingdom?

L: Who said it had to be fair? Though it doesn't really matter, because I'm going to win. Hamlet's a pansy.

C: Well, in case you don't win and Hamlet surprises us…[chilling laugh]…why don't we up the stakes?

L: What do you mean?

C: Subterfuge, my good man.

L: What does this have to do with underwater exploration?

C: [Deadpan]…You are your father's son.

[Offstage] P: I heard that!

C: Oh shut up, Polonius, you're dead. Go enjoy your Elysium Fields already. Lord knows I'm not getting in.

[Offstage, indignantly] P: It's a very _nice_ country club, thank you very much! They have the most heavenly carrot cake!

C: I hope you choke on it.

L: [looks around, confused smile] Who are you talking to?

C: Never mind. I'm saying we sabotage the fight. We'll line your blade with poison, so that if Hamlet just gets cut, he'll still die, no matter if you win the fight or not.

L: That's pretty cold, sir. [Pause] I like it. [Cue typical Ace smile]

[scene ends]

xoxox

[Curtain remains shut, Peter steps out in his usual position. Noises can be heard behind the curtain.]

Peter: Hamlet agrees to the duel, not knowing Claudius' and Laertes' evil plot. So now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the end of our show. It's been real, it's been fun. It's been real fun. Narrator out. [Spotlight clicks off, Peter leaves the stage]

[Curtain opens to Alice and Role Holders, minus Gray and 'dead', plus one or two faceless. Faceless are holding props, and group splits to stand evenly on either side of the stage, except for Ace and Julius, who stand opposite each other in the center.]

Laertes: Well, Hamlet, time for you to face your fate.

Hamlet: [Shrugs] After I'm done with you, I'll take care of my uncle, and that will be the end of things. Bring it on, Laertes.

L: My sword, if you would.

Faceless: Here you go. Exactly as you wanted. [Holds out prop sword]

L: [Holds the sword, swings it a couple times, frowns] How the hell am I supposed to kill him with this flimsy piece of prop? [drops prop] Give me a real sword, will ya?

Ophelia: Laertes, just use what the man gave you!

L: Oh, Ophelia! Are you glad you're alive right now?

Ophelia: [death glare] After this is over, I am never talking to you again.

L: How sweet, you're still cheering for your brother over your boyfriend!

O: [groans] I'm never talking to either of you ever again.

C: [clears throat] If we're done with the improv, can we get on with the fight? I'm really bored here. The sooner this wraps up, the sooner I can get back to ruling my kingdom and drinking some tea.

Gertrude: So are we. We want to see some blood already!

[Everyone looks over at Vivaldi, who merely shrugs and mutters, 'What?']

[Suddenly Peter pops out from the stage, holding various sharp implements, and hands one to each of the remaining Role Holders except Vivaldi and Alice, whom he grabs and pulls to the side, out of harm's way. Other prop-holders leave the stage]

O: Peter, what the hell—?

Peter: [stage whisper] Quiet, lovely Alice—um, Ophelia. [Raises voice to normal] Um, everyone, if I can have your attention. [All turn to Peter] We've decided to make this finale an all-out brawl. The last one standing wins. Just for the occasion, if the Ghost, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern and Polonius, and anyone else who I probably forgot, would come up to the stage and retrieve your weapons. Your Majesty, if you could get down from there, that'd be great. I'll protect Al—er, Ophelia. Have fun, boys. [Bright smile] If you actually kill each other, I really won't mind.

[Screams of "Peter!" and "White!" fill the air. Peter shrinks back.]

Ros & Guil: [As they come back] Those were not part of your lines, stalker rabbit!

C: Well, since we're here already… [Gladly takes sword]

R&G: Yay! We're back! [Picks up weapons] Bring it, you old geezers!

Ghost: [Yawns] Wake me up when it's over. I'll be hanging out in Purgatory.

Ha: [tugs on jacket collar] Just do it.

_The crowd was muttering in utter confusion, and a few had their faces covered, knowing that this couldn't end well. A select few in the back were vibrating in their seats, trying not to laugh. Then again, these were the ones with no sense of self-preservation whatsoever. _

"_Please be quiet while the play is going on," came a sinister, calm voice from behind these poor unfortunates, who immediately froze in their seats and stared straight ahead, no longer laughing._

_Everyone on stage was positioned, miniature one-on-one set-ups already in place and at the center a wide open space for Julius and Ace to square off. _

L: Since this is still a duel between us, let's be formal about it.

Ha: [stares, confused]

L: [holds up sword, goes into stance] Hello. My name is Laertes. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Ha: [Holds up sword in mirrored stance] Fine. I killed your father. Mine was murdered as well. So I can fully understand your anger.

L: Enough talking.

_Peter called from the side of the stage, firm grip on Alice (and fully enjoying it), "Ready, everyone? Good. You may begin at the sound of the bell."_

_A boxing bell sounded off and multiple resounding clangs filled the stage as every Role Holder commenced their fight. They all fought rather theatrically, but still making sure to let Julius and Ace's fight remain the focus. Alice and Peter watched from the sidelines and Alice cringed at each close call. Members of the audience reacted with loud "oh!"s and "ooh!"s at every daring stab, swipe and dodge. A few yelled things like, "Go for the jugular!" and the like.  
_

_"They aren't really trying to hurt each other, are they?" she asked Peter worriedly._

_"Not really. We thought about it but then decided that since you wouldn't like it, we would avoid real fights. But I'll be here if anything gets out of hand, okay? So don't worry. Everything is under control."_

_Alice looked up at Peter, and he smiled reassuringly to her before turning his attention back to the fights._

_The other fights had ended one by one and the actors left the stage, leaving Julius and Ace in center, at a standstill, pushing against each other. In a sudden move Julius twisted Ace's sword out of the way and slashed the air in front of him—so close that it actually cut the fabric of the costume. The crowd and Alice gasped, and Ace fell down, sprawled out. He was "dead"._

_Boris stepped out and took Julius' hand, holding it in the air._

Horatio: Ladies and gentlemen, we have our victor! Hamlet has won the duel!

C: [Appears again, suddenly] He may have won the duel, but this isn't over yet. [Holds up sword, evil grin]

Ha: Uncle. [Holds up sword. Horatio backs off]

[Sudden loud crash offstage. The cast onstage turn and look out. Out steps Gray, looking extremely annoyed.]

Fortinbras: Of all the ridiculous… [Sees staring cast] Oh hello there.

Ha & C: Who are you?

F: I'm Fortinbras. I'm from the neighboring kingdom, Norway? You've heard of us.

C: Get on with it. I'm currently trying to stop a coup.

F: Well, that's not really necessary. You see, my troops and I are actually here to take over your country. But considering the mess around here, I think my job's already pretty much done.

C: Not while I am king.

Ha: Well, then. [Stabs Claudius] That's that, then.

[Claudius falls to ground, dead]

F: [looks down at Claudius] I take it there were some family problems?

Ha: Some. [Motions to Claudius] All solved.

F: Glad to hear it. Now, I'm still planning on taking over the country. So we can do this the hard way or the easy way. Which would you prefer?

Ha: Which results in my death?

F: Definitely the hard way.

Ha: And the easy way would be?

F: You sign a little agreement—call it a treaty—that hands over the rights of rule to me.

Ha: [sheaths sword] Sounds simple enough.

F: [Whips out paper and pen] As it so happens, I already have a draft written up. So if you could initial here [points, Hamlet initials] and here [flips page, Ha signs] and here, here, and here…[more signatures] And that should wrap it all up.

Ha: That was a lot easier than I would have thought.

F: I am very thorough. Is there anything you want to do or see before I banish you from your—excuse me, _my_—kingdom?

Ha: Well…[looks around, spots Alice and Peter] Hey, White, could you kindly let go of Ophelia now?

Peter: [disgruntled] Do I have to?

O: Sorry, Peter. [Leaves, goes on stage] What is it, Hamlet?

Ha: Do you still love me? Despite everything that's happened?

O: …Yes.

Ha: Then will you leave with me? Will you endure me and build a new life with me?

O: [big smile] Yes. Of course I will. [They leave stage]

[Peter comes on stage, still looking rather sad now that Alice was gone.]

Peter: Well, that's the end everyone. The Norwegian Prince Fortinbras took over management of Denmark and the now-exiled Prince Hamlet and Ophelia went off, got married, had a couple dozen kids and lived relatively happily ever after.

[curtain closes]

xoxox

There was nervous moment of silence as Alice and the others waited, worried about the reception. But they need not to have. A second later there was a roar of applause, and as the curtain opened for their bows, they found themselves staring at a full standing ovation.

xoxox

Alice and the others stood outside, accepting handshakes and congratulations from the crowd, many of whom said they really enjoyed the final scene. It was so unexpected but satisfying, and they'd really enjoyed the production.

A faceless woman came up to Alice and said, "I really loved it. But I have to ask: why did you change Ophelia's suicide in the second act?"

Alice smile uncomfortably and said, "Actually, it was all just part of the play. The finale wouldn't have worked otherwise. I'm glad you enjoyed it though."

Satisfied the woman went off to her territory.

xoxox

Everyone was gathered, out of costume and back into their normal clothes, and they were going over the play at the after-party, which was located, obviously, at the Clock Tower. Everyone was enjoying the food-Blood sat with a cup of black tea, very pleased and speaking in pleasant tones with Vivaldi. Boris and the Twins were exchanging word play with Elliot, who was on his third slice of carrot cake, and Pierce was hiding behind Elliot, just out of claw's reach of Boris. Julius sat in silence, enjoying a cup of coffee (grade 85, thank you) while Gray and Nightmare talked some about work. Ace was eating and sat beside Alice, grinning as per usual, as was Peter, who was glaring at Ace for being beside his Alice, and Gowland was speaking with Joker-comparing ideas, as it seemed. Overall, it was a very pleasant atmosphere and Alice finally spoke up.

"You guys never had any intentions of going through the scripted second act, did you?"

"Nope," came the unanimous response.

"But you are going to keep your end of the deal, aren't you? Because I kept 'living'?"

There was a momentary silence and Alice groaned. "Come on, you guys. Really?"

"Fine, Alice."

"Yes, onee-san, we promise."

Alice smiled. _Finally! A full week of peace and quiet! Hallelujah! _

_..._

_...  
_

_Wait…_

"That means absolutely no sabotage. What. _So_. _**Ever.**_ I am to get my full week of quiet and solitude to do with what I wish. No stalking—" pointed look at Peter, "no impromptu camping trips—" dirty look at Ace, "no surprise visits and dragging to around amusement parks, nothing."

"Tea parties?" Blood said smoothly, smile on his face.

"What part of 'nothing' do you not understand?"

"Oh, little Alice, you know me. I don't understand when 'no' applies to me, do I?"

Alice sighed but a small smile came to her lips anyway.

"I…" she hesitated, and everyone looked expectantly at her, waiting for what she was going to say.

"I'm…really grateful. This was a lot of fun, and I really think we did a good job tonight. So, thank you. All of you."

"Even me?" Peter said in a small voice.

Alice did something very unexpected then: she leaned on and placed a small peck on the top of the white rabbit's head. "Yes, Peter, even you."

The Prime Minister blushed but said nothing, content.

"That was really fun," Ace said, smiling, as always, but this time it seemed genuine. "So, Alice, when's our next production?"

* * *

Well, that's it, everyone. Thanks for sticking it out until the end. The support has been amazing, I enjoyed you all's input and hope you'll stick around for another story at another time!


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